Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Dear 14 Year Old Self...

Dear 14 year old self,

     I am writing to from the year 2012. Ok.,OK, seriously would you shut up, no I am not going into details as to how you got this letter, and no I am not an alien. Just listen! I'm going to give you some advice in the hope of stopping you from making the same mistakes I did ( or mistakes you would have made prior to receiving this letter ).
     First, that haircut your sporting right now is what we in the future call a mullet. It is not a good look for ANYONE. Go to the barber and cut it off immediately. Destroy all pictures of yourself with this haircut or someone will someday find them and post them on the internet, in particular Facebook. Which leads to another bit of advice. DO NOT invest in Facebook stock. It may seem like a good idea at the time, but trust me it's not.
     Not everyone who says they are your friend are your friend.  They say they are. They are lying. Of all the people who say they are your friend only about ten percent of them truly are. The other ninety percent will turn on you when you need them the most. They will steal your girlfriends. They are talking shit about you behind your back ( in fact they are doing it right now, while your reading this letter ) and when you confront them with their lies they will commit violence upon you. Be warned this doesn't just apply to friends, family is included as well. This was a hard lesson for me to learn, it's probably one of life's hardest, so prepare yourself.
     For God's sake put the joint down and go to freakin' college! Your school counselor will tell you that you don't have the "aptitude"  to take the ACT or SAT and you would be better off skipping college. She is a liar ( see previous paragraph ). She a worthless piece of crap who is angry at the world for the way her life turned out . She will take that anger out on people who come to her in need of help. She will make sure everybody ends up as miserable as her. On a positive note she was fired the year after you graduated for doing just this sort of thing. So stay away from the booze and drugs, these will be a constant thorn in your side and will cause you no end of misery later in life, go to a good college and I don't mean community college, and do not major in philosophy,because a degree in philosophy will only get you a job in the fast food industry...maybe.  Major in anything science related. Get a masters degree.
     Another equally difficult life lesson you will learn is forgiveness. This is one lesson I did not do to good with and was poorer for it. This is probably the most important  ( and the hardest ) thing you can learn to do in your life. As you know by now I am you from the future. So I know about all the horrible things that happened to you when you were younger. I know you blame yourself in some part. This would be wrong. You are not to blame yourself. You did nothing wrong. You were an innocent child taken advantage of by a monster. You must move beyond this and take a survivor mentality, without shame or self hatred. It was NOT your fault. If you don't leave this in the past it will send you down a self destructive path and shape you into someone you don't want to be. I am asking you to do an almost impossible thing, forgive yourself.
     Eat junk food and enjoy every little crumb, because someday you won't be able to. Don't smoke cigarettes, not just because they will kill you, because when you do quit it will be the most miserable experience in your life. Don't buy any car made by KIA. The first night you get your first car, don't leave the house, here's a hint - go to jail do not pass go. Stay away from red headed women, nothing good ever comes of it. Money isn't everything but it makes life a helluva lot easier. Hold the door open for women. Never run from a fight. Don't cuss in front of small children, especially your own, they will repeat it. As I said earlier forgive ( note: because you forgive someone doesn't mean they have to be in your life ).
     Most importantly get married ( hint: she is blond and can kick your ass ). Have children.  These two things have brought more joy to my life than I can put into words. I would be NOTHING without my wife and children. Even if you ignore everything else in this letter and only remember this last paragraph, your life will turn out just fine.

Your Greatest Critic

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