Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Google Affiliate Ads Tryout - Am I Worthy?

     Alright here we go,  I am going to experiment with the new Google affiliate ads. Oh what should I do what should I do. I know! I got a new smart phone a couple weeks ago. It's a SAMSUNG GALAXY NEXUS.  Did anything happen? Oh wait a little button just popped up, sweet,  I'm on my way to capitalism. Who is Jon Galt ? Sorry couldn't help myself.
     Just to put this out there,  if your upgrade is good to go on your phone plan,  here is a little tip that will save some cash.  Best Buy will match any price on phones.  For example I went to Walmart and found my Nexus for 97cents ( weird my laptop doesn't have cents symbol ) but they were out of stock.  So I went to Best Buy but the phone was $75.  Well I told them that it was 97 cents at Walmart and that I was told they (Best Buy) match prices.  So with a sad look on their face they gave me the phone for 97 cents.  Also, if your using Verizon, go with Best Buy's insurance plan and not Verizon's.  Verizon will charge you $100 deductible, Best Buy has no deductible and will get a phone asap if it's in stock ( Verizon will make you mail it in and thus no phone until they deem to send it back ).  Oh and I like the phone very much.  There ya go Google am I worthy?  Wow I feel kind of like a whore. 

Self Indulgent

     I'm worn out,  I sit here trying to think of something to write and nothing.  Just nothing.  So now I have some kind of stream of consciousness thing going on.  I suppose maybe it gets all that inane crap out of my head that has been blocking all the creative type things jammed up in there. LOL I figured it out, I have brain constipation. I have a big blockage full of schedules,  due dates,  unresolved issues,` and stressing about what to do with the rest of my life.  Not to mention taking care of everyone but myself.  I would love to be acknowledged for something, ya know?   I feel like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, I just keep doing the same variation of crap everyday over and over again.  BLEH!  I know this is a pretty self indulgent rant and I apologize.  I just needed to vent,  and since I live a pretty isolated life ( plus my kids wouldn't understand what the hell I was talking about and my spouse is in shut down mode after work ) you get to be my anonymous therapist.  You know what ? I actually feel a little better.  I guess what they say is right, 90% of writing is showing up.  Hhhmmm maybe just writing a post full of bitching is like a brain enema.  Yes I am feeling a little more positive about the future, maybe go back to college at night or writing "that" book thats been rolling around in my head.  Maybe I'll start that non-profit or maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and live the same day I had today.  Rut,  rut,  rut,  I'm in a rut.

 Rut,  rut,  rut,  I'm in a rut.Rut,  rut,  rut,  I'm in a  
 Rut,  rut,  rut,  I'm in a rut.Rut,  rut,  rut,  
 Rut,  rut,  rut,  I'm in a rut.


     Sometimes I like to imagine that I'll pack a bag and just go. I don't know where just away. Somewhere where no one is depending on me or putting me down because the things I do for them isn't good enough.  Maybe I would do something exciting like be a bush pilot or a bouncer in a small town bar or maybe I would go somewhere quiet and just breathe.  I know this is a selfish line of thought, but this a self indulgent post and that is the whole point . Would I just check out like that....never,  but you and I know we have all thought about it.
     Well look at this I wrote a blogworthy post. A post full of nonsense,  whining,  and selfishness but I do feel a little less constipated,  so good for me I guess.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Cinnamon Toast PUNCH! - It's Clobberin' Time

 Ingredients

1 Part RumChata
1 Part Fire Whiskey
1 Empty Coffee Mug

Preparation

Combine 1 part RumChata and 1 part Fire Whiskey in an empty Coffee Mug. Shoot like an extra large shot-repeat.

WARNING : After 10 shots you ARE NOT bulletproof.  That is all.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Am I Brave ?

     Am I brave ?  At one time I could have easily answered this with a resounding "No!". These days I am not so sure about that.
     When I was a small child I was very cautious. I was the non athletic kid who would go out of his way to avoid getting picked for any kind of physical contact sport,  usually claiming some kind of mystery ailment.  I would often spend entire summers reading in my room, stressing about heatstroke and allergies,  in order to avoid having to play football with the overly aggressive neighborhood kids.  I remember refusing to ride the local roller coaster ( The Tornado at Adventureland amusement park ) for years. Always pointing to the warning sign that said people with heart conditions were not allowed on the ride and of course a heart murmur was a valid heart condition ( which I had as a very small child ).  It's not that I was a coward,  I was just cautious.
     Well a few years ago I had an experience that changed my opinion about myself and the bravery question. A sort of trial by fire.
     It was about 3:30 in the morning and I was awoken by the sound of my dog barking and my wife shaking me. Apparently the dog had been barking and scratching at the end of the bed and then running downstairs to the second floor ( our bedroom is on the 3rd in a converted attic ).  So I crawled out of bed, preparing myself to shoo some errant child back to bed, and padded down to the second floor landing.
     After a quick check I realized all the kids were in their beds, but when I looked down at the dog, she was staring intently downstairs with her tail between her legs.  Then I heard it, that unmistakeable sound of someone rifling through a drawer, coming from the living room downstairs.  It was one of those rare moments where the reality of imminent danger just slaps you in the face. As I looked down those stairs my stomach just dropped and I looked at the first floor landing as if through a tunnel.  My body became very cold and still as fear washed over me and then the strangest thing happened.  All that fear and foreboding instantly disappeared and was replaced by anger.  No not anger, rage.
     It was like a switch was flipped.  All I could think of was this criminal broke into MY house and was a threat to MY family.  I had no thoughts concerning my safety or if he had a weapon ( which he did ) only that I had to protect my family and that this intruder was never going to do this to anyone ever again. As adrenaline kicked in ( it was exactly like what you see in the movies when someone gets a needle full of adrenaline in the heart ) I screamed at the top of my lungs, " I'm gonna kill you motherf@#$er " and launched myself down the stairs.  When I look back on this moment I realized that my feet only touched about 4 out of the 25 steps and that I was only wearing boxers. I landed in the living room just in time to see a man dressed in a black hoodie with my nintendo Wii in his hands bolt from living room towards the back door in the kitchen.  At this point I was in full berserker mode, all I wanted to do was utterly destroy this guy, so I let out a primal scream and chased this criminal out into my back yard. He was lucky enough to have about 10 feet on me and a get away driver in a stolen car in the alley behind my house. Fortunately for him he managed to get away ( the good news, in his haste to get away, he drove the stolen car right down the street he stole it from at the same time 2 cops were responding to an auto theft call...lol dumbass ).
     As I stood there in my boxers with my hands balled into fists watching this criminal drive away, I realized something.  I had never in my life felt more alive.  I wasn't afraid, I was pissed and it was glorious.  So now when asked if I consider myself brave. I think that when it really counted, without even thinking about it, I rose to the occasion. So yes, I consider myself brave.
    

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Flapjack Bobby's Coffee

What You Need


6 Tbsp.  ground Dunkin' Donuts Original Coffee

1/2 tsp.  ground cinnamon

1/2 cup  maple-flavored pancake syrup

4-1/2 cups  cold water

6 Tbsp. Whipped Cream Topping
1 pinch  ground allspice

 

Make It

PLACE coffee in filter in brew basket of coffee maker; sprinkle with cinnamon.
POUR syrup into empty pot of coffee maker. Add water to coffee maker; brew. When brewing is complete, stir until coffee mixture is well blended.
TOP with whipped cream and place pinch of allspice on top of whipped cream

 

Also try Lemon Viennese Coffee

Prepare as directed, substituting 1 Tbsp. lemon zest for the cinnamon and 1/3 cup honey for the syrup.
Special Extra
Use a cinnamon stick as a stirrer for each cup of coffee.
Variation
Prepare using regular syrup and Whipped Cream Topping.

You could also use decaf and sugar free ingredients for the above recipe, but where is the fun in that ? Feel free to spike it with a little hooch if you like.
I would also like to give props to Dunkin'  Donuts Coffee - http://www.dunkinathome.com/dunkin-coffees/original-coffee/ - best stuff in the world.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Stay At Home Parents Are Lazy

( A conversation overheard at a dinner party )

Person A: So what line of work are you in ?
Person B: Actually, I'm a stay at home parent.
( Uncomfortable silence )
Person A: Oh ...... Uh, that's...um.......something.
Person B: Well, with my spouse traveling so much for work, it works out pretty good.
Person A: ......That's good......uh
Person A: I suppose staying at home with the kids is......sort of a....uh.....job.
Person B: Yeah it is.
( True Story )

     This is an actual conversation I had with someone this weekend. Now it's not the first time I've had this conversation before but this particular one just really got to me.  I mean when did being a stay at home parent make me a freaking pariah?  I am tired of apologizing to people for wanting to actually raise my own children.  Last time I checked my kids were not some kind of accessory to go with my new car.
      I understand the need for two income households these days, I really do. Up until a couple years ago that was how my family did it, but eventually we decided for me to stay home ( most of my paycheck went to paying for daycare, so someone else could raise my kids ).  What I don't understand is why I am looked down upon, like some kind of lesser being, for CHOOSING to stay home. I work my ass off for my family, I don't need flak from some D-bag who spends 20 hours a day only caring about himself and his career path. Who only brings his kids out of storage for holidays and company photo ops.
     Yes I am a little sensitive about this. You have to understand that I wanted a family.  I wanted my kids to know who I was and that they weren't just for show.  I was, like a lot of us raised in the 70's and 80's, a latchkey kid. I didn't have a traditional type upbringing and because of that I didn't have a very tight family unit. I promised myself that I wouldn't do that to my own family and I haven't.  Look, just because I chose to put my career on hold so I could take some time to raise my kids, doesn't make me lazy or a some kind of loser. I actually had someone in my own family go on about the fact that stay at homes just sat around baking bread and watching their stories all day and even though this was an incredibly offensive statement, a lot of people believe it to be true and I am tired of being  branded a loser for it. I won't put up with it anymore.
     If I do it differently than you that's my right.  If you don't agree, well I really don't give a crap, because I am done apologizing for it. Next time you tell me that being a stay at home parent is "sort of a job", be prepared for me to put my foot in your ass.
       

Friday, October 19, 2012

The THUNDER - The manliest drink on Earth

The THUNDER

 

• 1.5 oz. brandy
• 1 tsp. powdered sugar
• 1 raw egg
• pinch of cayenne pepper

Method: To a shaker filled halfway with ice, add brandy, egg and powdered sugar. Shake very hard, until frothy, and strain into chilled cocktail glass. Add dash of cayenne pepper across the top. Drink while cold.  Punch the guy next to you and yell "BRING THE THUNDER!". 

Thursday, October 18, 2012

The Plague And Peanut Butter

    We have an abandoned house on our street. It has sat empty for years. Recently a local real estate agent bought the house in the hopes of flipping it ( which should be fairly easy since she paid $32,000, which although it is an old historic neighborhood, most homes go for a minimum of about $170,00 ) and hired a contractor to get it in sell-able condition.  So as these guys banged away at this old house, I came to the conclusion it was far from abandoned.
     It started at night, I would sneak out back for a quick smoke after dinner, and I started noticing rustling sounds in the flower beds around the house. Sometimes I would see something dart across the grass at the edges of my vision. Thinking maybe it was some errant bird I went about my business not giving it a second thought.
     A couple of days later I was sitting out back reading, well pretending to read but in all actuality I was napping, when I was awakened from my "reading" by a scream coming from inside the house. Actually it more like five screams that all rolled into one long one. I came running into the kitchen to see my wife literally standing on the kitchen counter while frantically pointing at the floor ( the fact that this was right out of an old Tom and Jerry cartoon wasn't lost on me, which I mistakenly pointed out to my wife ). Yes, I had mice.
     So like most people these days when confronted with a rodent problem, I immediately Googled it and was horrified with the results. These little grey invaders were known to carry Hantavirus, which has just very recently killed like 12 people.  Lymphocytic Chorio-meningitis and Hemorrhagic Fever, I wasn't sure what these were exactly but they sounded pretty freaking heinous, and last but not least PLAGUE. That's right the black death was right here in my house. Now normally I am a pretty laid back guy, but now that the plague was threatening my family, the time for laid backness was over and the time for killing had begun.
     I decided to take the old school approach to my problem ( no I didn't get a cat, I have never had a good cat and I have sworn not to get another one ), I went to the hardware store and picked up 4 snap traps. Once home I coated those bad boys in peanut butter and placed them in what I considered mousey hang outs.
     The next day eagerly anticipating some kind of mouse apocalypse, I proceeded to check my well placed traps. I found all four of them had been set off, licked clean of peanut butter, and entirely mouse free. In fact one mouse actually took a crap on one of the traps. That's right instead of first blood I was mocked by rodents. OK, not a problem, I just needed to tweak my game plan. So I thought if I was a plague infected rodent what would tempt me. Well peanut butter obviously, and maybe something sweet, but what would really tempt me out of my hidey hole. Of course, something stinky and I had just the thing, gas station sausage sticks. So reset my traps, with their new bait ( 1 tsp. of peanut butter, a dash of sugar sprinkled over P.B. and of course a piece of sausage jammed in the middle ) and once again waited.
     SNAP! I ran to the back of the kitchen and there it was my first victim. The little grey bastard still had a bit of sausage in his mouth. Now I know it's weird being proud of catching a mouse but damn it I don't care, I was proud. I would have bronzed that little grey bastard if I would have been allowed to ( I showed it to my wife and asked about bronzing it, she answered with profanity ). I settled with dropping it in the flower bed as a warning to all other mice. Kind of like a tiny scarecrow. SNAP! SNAP! I came to love that sound. With every snap of a trap going off I knew the was one less chance of my family getting quarantined like some kind of bad sci fi movie. I mean isn't that how all zombie movies start, some infected rodent bites someone. I may have just saved the world with my mouse catching skills.   Your Welcome.
     By the end of my little war I had killed 10 mice. They quickly realized the error they had made by choosing to come into my house. The snapping of the traps has stopped. The plague is gone from my house.  It has been two weeks and no sign of my disease spreading enemy, I have declared victory.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Dear 14 Year Old Self...

Dear 14 year old self,

     I am writing to from the year 2012. Ok.,OK, seriously would you shut up, no I am not going into details as to how you got this letter, and no I am not an alien. Just listen! I'm going to give you some advice in the hope of stopping you from making the same mistakes I did ( or mistakes you would have made prior to receiving this letter ).
     First, that haircut your sporting right now is what we in the future call a mullet. It is not a good look for ANYONE. Go to the barber and cut it off immediately. Destroy all pictures of yourself with this haircut or someone will someday find them and post them on the internet, in particular Facebook. Which leads to another bit of advice. DO NOT invest in Facebook stock. It may seem like a good idea at the time, but trust me it's not.
     Not everyone who says they are your friend are your friend.  They say they are. They are lying. Of all the people who say they are your friend only about ten percent of them truly are. The other ninety percent will turn on you when you need them the most. They will steal your girlfriends. They are talking shit about you behind your back ( in fact they are doing it right now, while your reading this letter ) and when you confront them with their lies they will commit violence upon you. Be warned this doesn't just apply to friends, family is included as well. This was a hard lesson for me to learn, it's probably one of life's hardest, so prepare yourself.
     For God's sake put the joint down and go to freakin' college! Your school counselor will tell you that you don't have the "aptitude"  to take the ACT or SAT and you would be better off skipping college. She is a liar ( see previous paragraph ). She a worthless piece of crap who is angry at the world for the way her life turned out . She will take that anger out on people who come to her in need of help. She will make sure everybody ends up as miserable as her. On a positive note she was fired the year after you graduated for doing just this sort of thing. So stay away from the booze and drugs, these will be a constant thorn in your side and will cause you no end of misery later in life, go to a good college and I don't mean community college, and do not major in philosophy,because a degree in philosophy will only get you a job in the fast food industry...maybe.  Major in anything science related. Get a masters degree.
     Another equally difficult life lesson you will learn is forgiveness. This is one lesson I did not do to good with and was poorer for it. This is probably the most important  ( and the hardest ) thing you can learn to do in your life. As you know by now I am you from the future. So I know about all the horrible things that happened to you when you were younger. I know you blame yourself in some part. This would be wrong. You are not to blame yourself. You did nothing wrong. You were an innocent child taken advantage of by a monster. You must move beyond this and take a survivor mentality, without shame or self hatred. It was NOT your fault. If you don't leave this in the past it will send you down a self destructive path and shape you into someone you don't want to be. I am asking you to do an almost impossible thing, forgive yourself.
     Eat junk food and enjoy every little crumb, because someday you won't be able to. Don't smoke cigarettes, not just because they will kill you, because when you do quit it will be the most miserable experience in your life. Don't buy any car made by KIA. The first night you get your first car, don't leave the house, here's a hint - go to jail do not pass go. Stay away from red headed women, nothing good ever comes of it. Money isn't everything but it makes life a helluva lot easier. Hold the door open for women. Never run from a fight. Don't cuss in front of small children, especially your own, they will repeat it. As I said earlier forgive ( note: because you forgive someone doesn't mean they have to be in your life ).
     Most importantly get married ( hint: she is blond and can kick your ass ). Have children.  These two things have brought more joy to my life than I can put into words. I would be NOTHING without my wife and children. Even if you ignore everything else in this letter and only remember this last paragraph, your life will turn out just fine.

Sincerely,
Your Greatest Critic



Monday, October 15, 2012

Ode to the Squiggly Line - By S. Griffin -plus bonus Easter egg

     I'm just not feeling the writing thing today, so I've decided to share a couple of my favorite things with everyone. First up is one of my favorite poems. The second thing is more of an Easter egg than an official thing.



"Oh, squiggly line in my eye fluid.
 I see you lurking there on the periphery of my vision.
 But when I try to look at you, you scurry away.
 Are you shy, squiggly line?
 Why only when I ignore you, do you return to the center of my eye?
 Oh, squiggly line, it's alright, you are forgiven."
Stewie Griffin, 2007, "The Tan Aquatic", Family Guy.



And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty.



video

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Beanie Babies On My Dash

     The other morning I crawled out of bed, looked in the mirror and I said to myself, "Self, today you are going grab all of your beanie babies and put them on the dash of your car". I mean beanie babies make me happy so why not share that happiness with the rest of the world. Everybody will look at my B.B.'s ( That's shorthand for beanie babies, you know trade speak) filling up the dash of my car and say to themselves, "Wow that just made my day, I am now a better person for seeing that, maybe I will put B.B.'s on my dash so that I might spread the joy".
     Sometimes I like to take old fast food bags, old Styrofoam soda cups and empty packs of menthols, and strategically place them on my dash along with my B.B.'s. I like to imagine that they are like little suitcases and tiny little tents for my precious little bits of joy. I mean, you put lawn ornaments in your yard right?  Then again there is nowhere else to put them.
     Of course I would put them in one of the garbage bags in the back seat but those are full of clothes and you don't want to mix those two together. I mean could you imagine, reaching back there for some children's clothes and accidentally grabbing an old Burger King bag. That would just be silly, like I say everything in its place.
    Not to get away from my mission to spread joy, but did you know you can recycle phone books and old magazines. I've been meaning to take mine in but I just haven't had the time. That's OK though, I have them all in my passenger seat, that way next time I pass by the recycling place I have them all right here. 
     Yes I know my B.B.'s are bringing happiness to people around me. Why the other day I pulled up next to a family of 5. They all looked over at my B.B.'s and they all broke out in big smiles. The children were pointing at my B.B.'s and laughing and getting excited. I am sure I played a little part in make their day a little brighter. Yes I truly believe I am making the world a better place one stoplight at a time.

Author's Note: I am being sarcastic, just so we're clear, I DO NOT have beanie babies on the dash of my car. I do however have a vanillaroma air freshener collection hanging from my mirror. I'm up to 27.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Accomplish Nothing You Will

    I have nothing new to say today. It's been one of those weeks where everything is thrown at you all at once. You run around nonstop from 6 a.m. to midnight and accomplish absolutely nothing. You sit down at the end of the day and wonder how you were busy as hell all day and still had a weeks worth of stuff to do. Stuff that has nothing to do with you, but is vital for every other person you know, and this is extra stuff on top of the normal day to day stuff. People you have just met are calling you with work assignments and pick up/drop off schedules. I don't even know who these kids are, and yet, there they are, sitting in my backseat demanding things from me. I can't even find time to pee, every time I shut the bathroom door, within 3 seconds somebody is banging on the door in a," I can't hold it " situation.
       I have decided to take the day off tomorrow. Let the people drive themselves and wear dirty clothes. Let the people dry off with wet towels and find their own socks. When they demand dinner, I say let them eat cereal.
     Tomorrow I will accomplish nothing on purpose.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Balsamic Pork and Roasted Red Potatoes

Balsamic Pork and Roasted Red Potatoes

Mmmm Pork
I'm gonna give this a shot tonight. I might have to fine tune it a bit but we'll see.
UPDATE: This was a really good meal. It did require a couple tweaks. First off microwave the potatoes wedges for about 5 minutes before coating and cooking, otherwise the pork will be done before the potatoes. Second, and this is just a suggestion, maybe throw a small chopped red onion in with potatoes. Also if at all possible use fresh rosemary ( due to a mysterious rosemary shortage I had to use dried, which was good but fresh would have been much better ). All in all this recipe was a keeper. 


Ingredients:

  • 1 1/2 pounds Blue Ribbon pork tenderloin, trimmed
  • Salt and pepper, to taste
  • 2 tbsp chopped fresh rosemary or 2 tsp dried rosemary, divided
  • 2 large garlic cloves, finely chopped, divided
  • 2 tbsp Extra Virgin olive oil, divided
  • 1/4 c. Grand Selections balsamic vinegar
  • 1 pound red potatoes, cut into 1/2-inch wedges

 

 All you do

  1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Season pork with salt and pepper to taste. Rub pork evenly with half the rosemary and half the garlic. Heat 1 tablespoon of the oil in a large skillet over medium-high heat. Add pork; cook 10 minutes, turning to brown all sides. Remove skillet from heat. Transfer pork to a 15-by-10-inch jellyroll pan or broiler pan. Set aside.
  2. Return skillet to medium-low heat. Add vinegar, scraping pan to loosen any browned bits. Remove skillet from heat; stir in remaining oil, rosemary and garlic. Add potatoes; toss to coat.
  3. Spoon potatoes around pork; pour vinegar mixture over pork. Roast 15 to 20 minutes or until an instant-read thermometer inserted into the pork registers 145 degrees. Remove pork from oven, leaving potatoes to roast an additional 5 to 10 minutes or until tender. Let pork rest 5 minutes before thinly slicing and serving with potatoes.

Monday, October 8, 2012

Toxic Avenger

     They stand there, in the middle of the kitchen, drinking your wine, telling you how your cooking it wrong. You didn't invite them, they knew you would be cooking dinner and decided you could feed them too. They will tell you how life isn't fair to them, but yet how they are perfect and successful while making subtle ( or not so subtle ) little insults implying that you are not. They are Toxic Joybreakers.
     "You know you look like you've gained a little weight", they say while digging through your fridge looking for food to fill up on before dinner. Everywhere you need to go in the kitchen they somehow magically appear in front of it, refusing to move, wielding their personal problems like kryptonite, keeping you at bay.
     "I'm a good person, maybe I can help", you tell yourself. Of course any advice you might give them is either completely ignored or they launch into a conversation on how completely wrong your advice is.
     While they are sidetracked, looking for more of your wine to drink and telling you about your shortcomings, you finally manage to get your family's dinner ready.
     About this time the Toxic Joybreaker will serve themselves first, taking 2 portions of everything, making sure there is only enough left to feed three out of the four people in the house. So you decide to go without dinner so one of your children doesn't have to. By the time you finally get to sit down, the Toxic Joybreaker has taken about four bites of their double sized dinner and announced that they are full ( having filled up on your kid's lunch earlier in the evening ). Mercifully the Toxic Joybreaker looks at their phone, say they have plans, and walk out the door, leaving their barely touched dinner on the table for you to clean up.
     Everybody has one of these people in their life. They thrive on drama and love to involve as many people as possible. If they are unhappy, then they will go out of their way to make sure you are just as unhappy. So what do you do?
     You have two choices you can submit or you can stand up for yourself. That's it, those are your only choices. Anything in between will inevitably lead to submitting. The Toxic Joybreaker is a bully, and like most bullies, the only cure is to stand up them. Once stood up too they will realize that it is to much work to try and bully you and move on to someone else. The problem is once you stand up to them, you have to keep them on a short leash to prevent them from sliding back into old habits.
     So how do you stand up to them?  It's a fairly simple thing. When a bear attacks you in the wild, you are supposed to wave your hands around ( to make yourself look like angry, dangerous prey ) and yell loudly, to frighten the bear. So pretty much the same concept. Be firm, wave your hands around if you have to, and yell loudly ( drop the F-bomb for effect if needed ). Then tell them to leave, this is to give yourself time to cool down and give the Toxic Joybreaker time to reconsider. Most importantly do not apologize for standing up for yourself.

Statement:
"Have you put on weight, maybe you should use the fat free salad dressing"

Proper Response:
"GET the F!@# out of my kitchen!"  

Sunday, October 7, 2012

The Colt .45 - BANG! YOUR IN JAIL


The Colt .45

1 oz Bacardi 151 rum
1 oz Wild Turkey
2 oz amaretto almond liqueur
2 1/2 oz 7 Up or Sprite


 


Pour the Bacardi 151 rum into a highball glass filled with ice cubes. Add the wild turkey and amaretto. Fill with 7-up, and call your bail bondsman...

Friday, October 5, 2012

Big Daddy's Grilled Blue Cheese-and-Bacon Potato Salad

Big Daddy's Grilled Blue Cheese-and-Bacon Potato Salad RecipeThis is just crazy good. I don't know what else to say about it. Crazy Good


 Ingredients-

  • 3 pounds baby red potatoes, cut in half 
  • 2 tablespoons olive oil
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 1 teaspoon freshly ground pepper
  • 1 cup mayonnaise 
  • 1/4 cup chopped fresh parsley
  • 1/4 cup white balsamic vinegar
  • 2 teaspoons sugar
  • 2 teaspoons Dijon mustard
  • 1 cup thinly sliced red onion
  • 4 ounces crumbled blue cheese
  • 6 bacon slices, cooked and crumbled 

 Preparation-

  1. 1. Preheat grill to 350° to 400° (medium-high) heat. Place potatoes in a single layer in center of a large piece of heavy-duty aluminum foil. Drizzle with olive oil; sprinkle with salt and pepper. Bring up foil sides over potatoes; double fold top and side edges to seal, making 1 large packet.
  2. 2. Grill potatoes, in foil packet, covered with grill lid, 15 minutes on each side. Remove packet from grill. Carefully open packet, using tongs, and let potatoes cool 5 minutes.
  3. 3. Whisk together mayonnaise and next 4 ingredients in a large bowl; add potatoes, tossing gently to coat. Stir in onion, blue cheese, and bacon.
  4. *Balsamic vinegar may be substituted but will darken the color of the dressing.

Your Yogurt Betrays You

     I admit it, I spend a lot of time at the grocery store, almost everyday in fact. It's become some kind of weird addiction. I go and grab a cup of coffee and if I'm lucky an abandoned newspaper in the cafeteria. Sit down and catch up on the news ( I know, getting news by reading it from a paper, heresy ) and then grab a cart and wander aimlessly down the aisles.
     As I ramble down those aisles, instead of shopping for dinner I have gotten in the habit of people watching.  I've noticed how you can tell a lot about a person by what they have in their shopping cart. That's right, I am the shopping cart psychic.
     For example 15 cans of ravioli, a case of mountain dew, and a bag of generic Cheetos. This is most obviously the cart of the 30 year old single male. He is probably a hardcore gamer, who just moved out of mom's house about 6 months ago.
     His counterpart would be the closing in on 30, always a bridesmaid, single woman. She is just as easy to spot because of the stack of cat and/or dog food, lean cuisine ( which are actually really good ) and some type of yogurt.
     Now the parents of multiple young children or possibly one male teenager are really easy to pick out. In a way they are the humpback whales of the grocery store sea. They are usually pulling a pod of carts overflowing with things from the frozen food aisle, such as chicken nuggets, pizza rolls, frozen waffles and of course about 200 rolls of toilet paper ( because if you have kids you know this only about 5 days worth of t.p.).  Another dead giveaway are the small children under 5 circling around the cart.
     Then of course there is the guy with a gallon of generic vodka ( this would be the bottle with the big black letters that say VODKA i.e. something Fred Flintstone would drink ) a carton of menthol's, and 5 boxes of frosted flakes. He is the guy I call Mr.Friendly. He wants to talk to you and doesn't realize the bottom of his tee shirt ends about 2 inches above his belly button.  DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH THIS MAN !
     Last but not least is the stalker. This would be that strange guy, with the empty cart, who is following you around the store and trying to secretly blog on his phone when he thinks you aren't looking.


    

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Don't Poop In My Yard !

      OK can you please explain to me what is wrong with people these days. I'm sitting in the car waiting to pick up my kids from school. Everything is cool, because I've managed to get about 8th in line, so not a huge wait. Well, the lady in front me starts getting out her car ( some old lady type ), then she gets her lab out and puts a leash on it. All right no big deal, maybe she's gonna take it for a walk or something. Well she walks the dog into the front yard of the house she's parked in front of, now I'm wondering what the hell is she up to. As she stands there looking around she lets the dog drop deuce in the yard and just to be clear this wasn't her yard. As soon as the dog is done she brings the dog back to her car and starts getting in like nothing happened ( she doesn't even bother to clean it up, just left it there ). About this time she looks over at me and realizes I was witness to the whole thing. So what does she do, she gives me a nasty look and says something not good under her breath.
     What really gets me was the look this old lady gave me, like I was the one who was doing something wrong. What the hell? Have we gotten to the point of entitlement that we aren't answerable to doing something wrong or is it some kind generational thing. I don't know maybe it's all those years of everybody wins and you get a trophy for trying type of upbringing we've had since the 70's. Did Dr. Spock ruin generations of kids. Of course who am I to say anything, I just sat there in shock and didn't say a F!@#ing word about it. The more I thought about it the more I realized this kind of behavior needed action on my part. If we just sit there and do nothing, nothing will ever change.
     So next time you go out of your way to let your dog poop in someone's yard and don't clean it up, there may be someone who follows you home and poops in your yard.




Wednesday, October 3, 2012

The Roy Rogers McFreely

 




 1 Cup of Captain Morgan
 1/2 Cup of Orange Juice 
 1/2 Cup of Mountain Dew

 Mix together with ice
 Drink
 Sit back and judge people

Pacific Rim Glazed Flank Steak

                                


Ingredients:

  • 1 (1-1/2 to 2 pound) beef arm steak
  • Marinade:
  • 1 cup prepared teriyaki marinade
  • 1/2 cup chopped onion
  • 1/3 cup honey
  • 1/3 cup fresh orange juice
  • 1 tbsp chopped fresh rosemary  
  • 1 tbsp dark sesame oil
  • 1 clove garlic, crushed
  • pepper, to taste
  • Instant brown rice
  • Dole Asian crunch salad mix
  • fresh pineapple                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        
  • In medium shallow dish, combine marinade ingredients, adding pepper, as desired; whisk until blended. Remove and reserve ¾ cup for basting.
  • With sharp knife, lightly score both sides of beef steak in a crisscross pattern. Place steak in remaining marinade in dish, turning to coat. Cover and marinate in refrigerator 30 minutes, turning once.
  • Remove steak from marinade; discard marinade. Place steak on grid over medium, ash-covered coals. Grill, uncovered, 17 to 21 minutes for medium rare to medium doneness, basting occasionally with reserved ¾ cup marinade and turning once.
  • Place remaining basting marinade in small saucepan; bring to a boil. Meanwhile carve steak diagonally across the grain into thin slices; arrange on platter. Spoon hot marinade over beef, as desired.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Stay At Home Uniform

       As I go about my day I have come to notice an unusual trend among stay at homes. I see them at the school drop off, the grocery store, the mall and they all seem to have adopted the same uniform. I see them in t-shirts and sweats (and YES yoga pants count as sweats). Hair pulled back in pony tails or under baseball hats. Among men especially I have noticed they all sport the stay at home beard ( I'm not pointing fingers as I have one myself ). Is it because we are so focused on other things that we forget that other people can see us or has it become we have fallen in the trap of not caring.

      I have found that it very easy to become so hyper focused on the people your caring for that you forget to take care of yourself. So I am asking you to take a moment to look at yourself. Is this you? If so, how can you remedy this behavior.

       I am calling for you to take one day a week as your day off.  What about the laundry or the chores, who will cook dinner ? Answer, NOT YOU.  Put the laundry off for a day, have your kids pick up the living room, order pizza. DONE.

       On your day off you will shower. You will dress in nice clothes and I don't mean the clean pair of sweats. You will do your hair and shave (  Ladies, you too ). You will get in your car, drive to Starbucks and buy a latte and a newspaper and sit in the sun outside and read said paper. You will call a friend and go to lunch. And the most important thing you will tell yourself YOU DESERVE IT.

       So remember don't be a slave to the uniform.

See Me On Twitter

Stay At Home Ninja

@Home_Ninja

Aunt May's Tropical Pies


STEP 1

1 cup of cornflakes
Add 2 Tbs of sugar
Melt 1/3 cup of oleo and pour over cornflakes and sugar
( For the record I have no idea what the hell oleo is, this a 50 year old recipe, so google it )
Pat in pie pan and chill

STEP 2

1 package of instant pudding - vanilla
1 cup of whole milk
1 pint of ice cream your choice
Combine pudding, milk, and ice cream. 
Pour over crust and chill.

STEP 3

1 cup of cherry pie filling
Pour filling over chilled pie.

STEP 4

40 ounces of Busch Light
Remove cap and pour in a frosted mug.
Eat pie, drink beer, and enjoy yourself

Monday, October 1, 2012

Birth Of a Domestic Ninja

      OK, to start off I'll tell you a little bit about myself. A couple of years ago I had a decent job working for my family's business, everything was great, I had a career, my 3 kids were in daycare and taken care of, and my wife was doing really well at her chosen profession. It was easy, just go through your daily routine, no problems, no chaos, nice and orderly. Then life proceeded to kick my ass.
    
     The economy crashed and I went from 40 hours to 15 and eventually to unemployed. Right around this time I received a call from the police that my daycare provider was arrested. ( I won't say for what, but it was pretty horrible ). So all of a sudden reality hit me, I was going to have to be a stay at home dad. Now I could have put my kids in another daycare and tried to find a job, did I tell you my sitter was in jail ( it was pretty clear to me no one could be trusted to care for my kids but myself ) and it was 2008, so yeah that was a no go.
  
     Now like a lot of people I thought staying at home would be like a vacation, so of course I jumped at the chance of staying home. I mean think of it, sitting around playing  xbox, watching Springer, napping, catching a round of golf every now and then. Oh yeah, the golden life. Can you imagine my surprise when I discovered I was totally wrong. I found myself working my ass off, and I don't mean a few hours throughout the day, I mean 5 a.m. to 10 p.m., 7 days a week. It's the hardest job I've ever had. Unless you've done it yourself, believe me you HAVE NO IDEA!

    That's right, I went from one job to 10 or more. I am a taxi service, launderer, maid, cook, handyman, accountant, maid ( or butler for my male brothers ), janitor, dog walker, husband ( which if you knew my wife is a full time job in itself), alarm clock, security guard ( daughters ), mechanic, amateur doctor, and many more rolled into one.

   I am a jack of all trades, always on the move. I have tricks and secret weapons to accomplish any task set before me. No task to great, no task to small. I am relentless.

I AM THE STAY AT HOME NINJA
    
.... Coming Soon